Remember when you were in your senior year of high school, feeling like you were on the brink of adulthood, ready to go out and face the world. We thought we had the answers to everything, but as we approached the 20th reunion, we realized just how wrong we were.
We were mistaken because life changes. Some happenings we choose for ourselves, such as accepting a new job opportunity; a chance to go on our dream vacation, get married, have children. Other events are forced upon us; the sudden death of a loved one, an unexpected illness; a natural disaster.
“But now old friends are acting strange,
They shake their heads they say I’ve changed,
While something’s lost, but something’s gained.
In living every day!”
Joni Mitchell
Earlier this year I was involved in an incident that caused me to see just how much I’ve grown. In April, my cousin and I started to play our favorite game of phone tag. I just summed it up to we were both and we would eventually catch up. But after a few months had passed, I realized that I was making all the attempts. She had just seemed to disappear, which was strange. I finally found her on Instagram, and sent the usual greeting of Hi how are you? I then proceeded to ask if she changed her number, to which she replied, “No I blocked you.” To say I was taken aback is an understatement. I had absolutely no idea what I did to cause her sudden change in attitude towards me. When I asked her for an explanation the only answer she gave me was “You don’t know? Why do you think?” I am there thinking that I do not have time for these childish games, and I politely asked her to grow up and tell me. She said did not want to and demanded that I leave her alone because she “needed space.” Come to find out, she was able to tell others the reason she stopped speaking to me, but she did not have the courage to tell me to my face, and that hurt. Another thing that I did not appreciate was the term “I blocked you.” People nowadays who follow all these trends on social media do not realize how immature this phrase is. Instead of facing these difficult adult conversations when conflicts arise, we think that we can just solve all of our problems with one click of the mouse. Now I admit that I have unfriended certain people on social media, for one reason or another, but I do not block them. Not only is it immature, but it causes harm and ruins relationships. I never knew that three words could feel like a slap in the face. One may think that by saying this short phrase, one is protecting themselves, but really all they are doing is causing hurt to the intended target. When I read this message, I felt like I was back in kindergarten bickering with one of my female playmates over a toy, and she proudly exclaimed, “I’m not talking to you!” only to make up a few minutes later, putting this forgotten squabble behind us.
Only this time, the toy that is being fought over is the individual’s feelings. “I blocked you,” is not as simple as one may think. These powerful words are a punch to the gut to some, to others a stab in the back. The instigator sees the rival as injured, or better yet weak. They are only thinking of themselves, as they prey upon the Achilles heel of the casualty. They believe that they are strong warriors fighting for what they think is right. What they really are, are manipulators. They are the bishop on a chessboard who is staring down the helpless pawn waiting for a clear path to strike. Their one mistake is not recognizing the strength of the little pawn and how wise they have become by always being known as the intended target. Their job is to protect the queen, the heart of the opponent’s board. These small marble pieces represent the foundation we built that strengthens the stone walls around our wounded hearts.
As I was going through this my cousin finally decided to tell me her side. I will not go into detail, but it dates back to a minor altercation that happened over two years ago. I was going through some health issues that deeply affected me both medically and emotionally. It was a period where I was at my most vulnerable as I was dealing with a burden that I would not wish on anyone. It was also a time that changed the way I look at life. My cousin and I had a discussion, and she said some hurtful things, which were strictly her opinion. Her words wounded me deeply, and because I value our relationship, I was upfront and honest. I told her that I was offended and needed some space. A few weeks passed and we were able to talk about it and all was forgiven, and we went on with our lives. Then recently she decided that she was not over this conversation, and the fact that I was transparent in explaining my feelings offended her. She turned my trauma into her own pain and played the victim. She suddenly turned into this toxic person that only wants to live by her own truth and manipulate me into thinking that I was in the wrong. This really threw me for a loop and sent my emotions into a spiral. I began questioning all of my relationships with close friends and family, which in turn caused me to withdraw because I felt judged. I then turned to my sister-in-law who also had some unexpected health issues some years ago that changed her life. I asked her if she saw her friends leaving because of how much she had changed. Her response was that she found herself not wanting to hang out with certain friends anymore because she is no longer a people pleaser and did not have time for the superficiality of others. I then realized that that was exactly how I felt.
Growing up, I was always one who avoided conflict. Whatever my friend wanted to do, I just went along with it. I just allowed myself to be manipulated by others well into my adulthood. But then things started to change. I lost my mother suddenly; a year later, I needed to make important medical decisions, which was one of the most difficult things I ever had to face. Having these events forced upon me, back-to-back, made me realize how short and fragile life is. I had no control of these situations, but I could control my personal outcome. This helped me to regain control of my life, day by day. It was upon acknowledging this that I am again able to enjoy every sunrise and look forward to gazing at the stars before going to bed each night. I am worthy to live life to the fullest, and I refuse to be the pawn on my opponent’s chess board. I no longer have time for the negativity or toxicity of others. I will never apologize because I survived and healed on my own terms. I am proud of myself, because I was able to recognize and find my strength, as Judith did when she slayed Holofernes, and was finally free.
Life is meant to be lived. You are more than worthy and never have to be manipulated into doing anything you do not want to if it will disturb your peace of mind. It is not easy separating the weeds from the flowers and it hurts like hell. But once you begin this task, the more you will learn to love yourself, because you will live how you want, not according to another one’s standards. The road will not be easy, but challenges are what make us stronger. You will find that some of your closest friends will become jealous and will do all they can to rain on your parade. But it is now time for you to dance in the rain, for the storm will come to pass. You will become stronger, happier, and more at peace. In order for us to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. It may make others uncomfortable and turn away but remember that is their problem. And the best advice I can give is you never owe anyone an apology, especially if they hurt you. Embrace every day as a new beginning and live it with joy!